Bread and Plumbing: Part One

A New Hobby

Not long ago, during a certain global "situation", like most good folks who were concerned about the thought of our modern comfortable lifestyle being slowly eroded as we were forced to embrace a paleolithic existence of trapping squirrels for meat and hunkering down to quench our thirst at mud puddles while growling at encroaching neighbors, I decided to occupy my newfound abundance of free time and take up a hobby that I thought would be profitable and delicious.

I started making bread.

It’s a simple thing, really, blending flour, yeast, water and salt to produce what many have referred to throughout history as “the staff of life”. Bread is miracle in its own right.

And as I learned more about bread baking, I discovered the noble art of crafting baguettes.

Now, despite their appearance, baguettes are not a simple thing to produce. To the casual observer, this long, narrow loaf of bread looks as though it is simply constructed of a piece of dough rolled long like a snake and baked in a moderately hot oven.

Not so. As it turns out, they are so much more. Baguettes are a culinary engineering marvel, carefully constructed in such a way as to produce conflicting structural tensions that result in a singularly wonderful crusty exterior while simultaneously maintaining a soft, airy interior. It must do both very well, or be considered nothing more than a mistake.

The ingredients, the incorporation, the proofing, the kneading, the rise times, the shaping and the final cuts from the lame (pronounced ‘lamb’) are critical. As is the timing of the application of steam to produce that perfect crust.

The only practical way to achieve the requisite blast of steam in a conventional oven is to toss a cup of hot water into an already heated pan in the oven simultaneous with sliding the baguettes onto the rack. Poof, steam! Shut the oven door immediately to trap it, and let the magic happen. The crust forms as the exterior structure tightens, the interior expands and the crust strains. It is a delicious battle of proteins and chemical reactions, and the only winner is the one who pulls the completed crusty loaf from the oven and slathers that fresh-cut, still warm slice with butter.

Fresh baguettes are sublime and there is nothing like it for comfort food. Along with a pasta dish or a bowl of chicken noodle soup, it's the perfect companion for a lunch or a dinner at home.

Thus began my manic plunge into bi-weekly baking binges, producing loaf after loaf while perfecting my artistic skill.

Unfortunately, one unintended side effect of all of this baking was the steady deterioration of our range.